Life & Love

[frood]

@ncscswitch:

All I can say is…

She is getting all of the benefit, with none of the commitment.

My apologies in advance for your future pain if you continue in this manner…

Give the guy a break. He’s in love with this woman. All things considered, I think he’s being a lot stronger than I could be in his situation. I just hope she gets things sorted out.

[Guest]

Men who think with their heart (or worse yet about 2 feet lower) tend to get themselves into very bad situations with women.

Yes, there is history.  Yes, there is emotion.

But YES, there is also a child to think of, and schools, and college funding, and a secure retirement, and financial stability, and not having to wonder if this week you have to move in with the parents because she kicked you out once again, or what disease you may have just picked up because you made love w/o protection to a cheating woman after she spent a few weeks or a few months catting around…

Perhaps it is because I have had more partners than I can count on my fingers and toes twice over (56 at last count).  Perhaps it is because I have been married to a woman who decimated me economically and introduced me to the risk for almost any STD present on Ft. Bragg.  Or perhaps it is just that I am closing on 40 and I realize that LOVE is not being taken advantage of, it is not being manipulated, ir is not being the “fall back safe position”.

Love has to go BOTH ways, otherwise it is a joke, a lie, and devastating to the partner who is in love with someone who is not…

[dezrtfish]

I gota say Jerm, I’ve been where you’re at and it makes me sad to remember the vulnerabilty of being in that position.  Friends tried to tell me what I was doing, but it is what it is, and advice won’t change how you feel or what you do.  You’ll see more clearly in time, good luck brother…

[dezrtfish]

btw, my kid brothers name is Jeremiah and I always called him “Jerm”  I don’t know why I stared calling you that, prolly just to lazy to type your whole name :wink:

[AgentOrange]

As far as your progress goes, good for you!  I know there are some people here who might not consider that progress, but I’m pretty sure you do.  Anyway, it seems like you’ve got a good enough approach, in that you are trying (and succeeding, from the looks of it) to get the girl back to being YOUR girl.  I would heed some of the advice as far as “maybe you’re just setting yourself up for failure”, but even if that is the case, just stay strong and stick to your guns about not letting her shit on you again.

Good luck whatever happens.  :wink:

[Jermofoot]

@ncscswitch:

All I can say is…

She is getting all of the benefit, with none of the commitment.

My apologies in advance for your future pain if you continue in this manner…

You’re right.  It’s really not smart.  I’ve pointed out to her that I want to be there for her, and do everything for her, but I don’t want to feel taken advantage of.  She said she wasn’t.  But at the same time, it would be only natural to not do anything when slighted.  In fact, that’s part of my strategy.  I don’t call her unless it’s about our son.  I stay scarce, otherwise, people won’t miss you if you are always around.  I can say that I’ve made the adjustment to our custody arrangement much better than she has.  This is just so hard when you love someone and feel like you don’t know who they are anymore…

But at the same time, if I’m trying to at least remain friends or have a decent relationship with my son’s mother, then I need to be there, helping her.  It’s a shitty catch-22, but I have to do what’s necessary…

@dezrtfish:

I gota say Jerm, I’ve been where you’re at and it makes me sad to remember the vulnerabilty of being in that position.  Friends tried to tell me what I was doing, but it is what it is, and advice won’t change how you feel or what you do.  You’ll see more clearly in time, good luck brother…

Well, I’ve read a lot lately on what I need to do.  Surprisingly, what I need to do to move on could actually be the ticket to have her come running back, as strange as that sounds.  I’d like nothing more, but again, I’m not sure who she is because of what’s been happening the past month and a half.  And somehow she feels validated…or not and isn’t showing it.

And I’ve been called Jerm for a LONG time.  No worries.  :wink:

@AgentOrange:

As far as your progress goes, good for you!  I know there are some people here who might not consider that progress, but I’m pretty sure you do.  Anyway, it seems like you’ve got a good enough approach, in that you are trying (and succeeding, from the looks of it) to get the girl back to being YOUR girl.  I would heed some of the advice as far as “maybe you’re just setting yourself up for failure”, but even if that is the case, just stay strong and stick to your guns about not letting her sh*t on you again.

Good luck whatever happens.  :wink:

Well, I’m going to do what I’m going to do because I believe it is right.  I do take into consideration where I’m just being led on, but I can still say “I cared, so I acted accordingly.”  Pretty much all the damage and pain is done, so there’s not much way to go but up, or out of the situation completely.

[jsp4563]

The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

[Jermofoot]

@Emperor:

The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

Well, technically we weren’t together, so she technically didn’t.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.  I think it was wrong, and deep down she probably feels it as well, but I’m not sure.

And, I’ve hurt her in the past…I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I’m sure she felt that way.

Trust can always be rebuilt.  But it takes two parties dedicated to the task.

[jsp4563]

@Jermofoot:

@Emperor:

The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

Well, technically we weren’t together, so she technically didn’t.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.  I think it was wrong, and deep down she probably feels it as well, but I’m not sure.

And, I’ve hurt her in the past…I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I’m sure she felt that way.

Trust can always be rebuilt.  But it takes two parties dedicated to the task.

I’m sorry but I don’t think that trust can ever be rebuilt.  There will always be that doubt, and those doubts will lead to arguments.  You say she didn’t “technically” cheat, but you have a child together, that creates a husband-wife-family bond, she chose to ignore her obligations to that “family unit” for her own selfish physical gratification, is that the kind of mother you want raising your child?

I know my words are harsh, but really you need to think about what’s best for your son.

[Jermofoot]

@Emperor:

@Jermofoot:

@Emperor:

The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

Well, technically we weren’t together, so she technically didn’t.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.  I think it was wrong, and deep down she probably feels it as well, but I’m not sure.

And, I’ve hurt her in the past…I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I’m sure she felt that way.

Trust can always be rebuilt.  But it takes two parties dedicated to the task.

I’m sorry but I don’t think that trust can ever be rebuilt.  There will always be that doubt, and those doubts will lead to arguments.  You say she didn’t “technically” cheat, but you have a child together, that creates a husband-wife-family bond, she chose to ignore her obligations to that “family unit” for her own selfish physical gratification, is that the kind of mother you want raising your child?

I know my words are harsh, but really you need to think about what’s best for your son.

In many ways you are right.  But I “did it first.”  Being an idiot and not thinking about consequences, not realizing that I didn’t really want to mess around with someone else, and drinking way way too much.  Took me a bit to get my perspective.
Doesn’t mean it is an excuse for her to do the same.  But she did.  It can always be healed.  If the love is there.

She and I had a great talk last night.  She’s still on the defensive some, but as long as you don’t accuse and actually talk about what matters, then you can make progress.  She knows I’m hurt, I don’t need to repeat it.  And if I love her, then there is always room in my heart to let her in.  The door is shutting, but it will never close.  It will just take more work after some time to get it back open.

The thing is, she’s not so much rebelling against me, but against her life.  She admits that the other guy was a mistake and it shouldn’t have happened.  She wishes I was in the place I am now 2 years ago.  It would have been perfect.  But you can’t force anyone that way.

So now she’s dealing with her new “freedom” and burdens of responsibility.  She’s getting quite a bit out, but her roommate tells me there isn’t anything I should be afraid of.  Deep down, she loves me, and he’s pretty sure, as most people who know us, that she’ll come around sooner or later.  And she acknowledged that herself.  It may take both of dating a few times to realize that, though.

But, I’m not holding my breath.  Just slowly releasing my grip from the things I want since they aren’t immediately obtainable.